If You Say You Love Me (I Wont Say It Back)
by OfLoveAndLiterature
Summary: An early morning conversation provides a shift in Charity and Vanessa's "relationship".


**Sorry, this has taken me so long! I've had a bunch of IRL drama to deal with and the last few days I've been feeling pretty rough but finally it is here for you to enjoy! I hope you like it. Please leave a review if you liked it, all feedback is very much appreciated.**

* * *

The first thing Vanessa felt when she woke up was hot breath on the back of her neck and a slender hand lying across her abdomen, half of the fingers slipping under her t-shirt where it had risen to show a sliver of skin. She squinted at the first attempt of opening her eyes due to the bright light shining through the small gap in the curtains across the room. For a couple of moments, as she tried to blink the sleep out of her eyes, she didn't know where she was. Or who's body was spooning hers. But this time with a thankfully sober mind, it didn't take long for the previous night to come flashing back to her.

Her tongue slipped out of her mouth to lick at her dry chapped lips. She let out a small sigh wondering how she had managed to get herself in this position again. Charity had told her that it would happen again, and damn she was right.

The smug bitch.

She shifted slowly so as not to jostle Charity too much and moved to lay on her back, her now unblinking eyes staring up at the ceiling above her. Charity must have felt her move but it didn't wake her thank god, she wasn't ready to deal with a grumbling half-asleep Charity this early in the morning. She didn't even know what time it was but the sun was just barely coming up so it must be at least a couple of hours before she would normally get up.

She had felt Charity's hand shift with her body as she subtly turned in the bed so she was resting on her back, the hand slid around to settle on her hip bone, the fingers curling in a grip to hold on to the slight love handles that rested there. She didn't know why but for some reason even that small action sent a small shiver down her spine. The feeling of Charity's hand curling around her hip in an almost possessive manner felt so domestic and she hated herself for wondering if this is what it would be like every morning, waking up next to her.

It sent Vanessa's head into a tailspin.

Vanessa shifted her head to peek a glance at Charity, a small barely there smile curling up her lips at the sight of a peaceful sleeping Charity. This was arguably the best Charity ever looked, not conscious enough to make a snide remark or biting insult or defensive dig. She was just natural like this, just **her**. She wished that Charity could be more like this when she was awake, she wished she didn't have her walls built so high that nobody could get a peek over them. But she guessed Charity had every reason to be guarded considering her past, or what she'd heard about her past at the very least.

She thinks that might be what bothers her the most about this thing they were doing. She didn't even know **what** they were doing or how it kept happening. She no longer felt shocked when she woke up to mess of dirty blonde hair and thin long legs tucked in between her own, she just couldn't get her head around why they were doing this. Well, she knew why **she** was doing this. But Charity? She didn't know what was in it for her. At the beginning, she thought it was to wind Frank up, to rub it in his face but that excuse just wasn't sticking anymore.

She didn't know whether this was all just a big game to her or if she was just using her for some company and a warm body to cuddle up to at night and if anyone asked yes, Charity was 100% a cuddler. She would probably kill her if she ever admitted that out loud but it made her feel a little warm inside knowing that she knew this intimate detail about the other woman, that nobody else knew.

On the nights she wasn't here, stealing the covers off the co-owner of the pub, her thoughts and theories kept her awake at Tug Ghyll.

This was also the first time that they'd slept together and she hadn't immediately tried to sneak out as soon as she woke up and she didn't know why that was either, what had changed that and when had that urge had stopped? She just knew that when she woke up this morning with Charity tucked tightly against her back that she didn't **want** to go home. She didn't **want** to leave the warmth and comfort of her bed to hastily dress and walk the cold lonely walk of shame back to Tug Ghyll. That was a new feeling for her that she wasn't sure she was ready to process.

Her feelings for Charity seemed to be a lot more clear-cut these days, well in her own head they did anyway.

But the thing was what she felt scared her, terrified her in fact. She knew whatever she was feeling would never be reciprocated, not in the way she would like them to be at the very least. She hadn't been in a proper relationship or dated at all in fact since Kirin and the first person she fell into bed with was Charity bleedin' Dingle. Nobody could have called that. But even more so, nobody could call that they would continue to sleep together after that first night.

Vanessa knew that this **thing** with Charity couldn't keep going on, not because she didn't want it to. Because she did. Oh boy, did she. But because the developing feelings she was already starting to experience needed to stop here. She didn't want to get hurt or waste her time on an already lost cause, it just wasn't worth it. And she knew that with Charity, her heart would probably end up getting stomped on and then run over with a tractor a couple dozen times if she allowed herself to fall any deeper than she already had.

Charity had this way about her though, this hypnotising alluring effect on her. She didn't know how she did it, but just that one look in her eyes had her putty in her hands, and boy did Charity relish that.

But she couldn't fall for that this time. The longer they kept at this the harder it was going to be and Vanessa just didn't need that in her life, she would rather stay single and lonely than having to deal with Charity treating her like a plaything whenever she got bored. She wanted to be in her bed because she wanted her there not because she was trying to one-up someone or to entertain herself.

She felt the body next to her shift, pulling away from her body slightly before letting out a low groan, the woman who she hadn't been able to stop thinking and fretting over finally coming back to the land of the living.

Vanessa suddenly didn't quite know what to do with herself, she hadn't stayed long enough to get to the awkward waking up together part yet. She bit down on her lower lip, her eyes darting to look over at the curtains across the room, her hands anxiously playing with the duvet between her fingers.

It was another couple of silent moments before she heard the dreaded deadpan drawl coming from beside her.

'Oh. M'surprised ya' still 'ere. Runnin' off is your usual trick init'?'

Charity's voice was dry and deep through sleep but she was still lying close enough to her that she could feel her body heat radiating off of her.

'I—' Vanessa started to speak but didn't quite know what to say, words suddenly stuck in the back of her throat. She took a deep breath.

Maybe she should just start with the truth.

She turned her face to glance at Charity before quickly looking away again, instead decided to focus on her still fidgeting fingers.

'I—' Vanessa had to pause again, this time having to swallow around the lump suddenly appearing in her throat.

'I didn't **want** to. I wanted to stay.'

Her words came out as barely above a whisper. She swallowed carefully once again, not even knowing why she was suddenly wrought with emotion at her revelation. Maybe being this honest, especially with someone like Charity was proving to be a bigger challenge for her than she originally thought.

She knew she couldn't exactly be trusted to keep things to herself. She'd already found that out.

'Huh.' Charity clicked her tongue in response.

Vanessa heaved a heavy sigh, still refusing to look at the other woman.

'Well, m'not gonna kick you outta' bed.' She mumbled noncommittally with an indifferent shrug of her shoulders a few minutes later, tense silence filling the room.

'But why?' Vanessa huffed out in annoyance as she suddenly turned her head sharply to look at Charity, her brow creased slightly as her eyes flitted rapidly across her face, taking her all in for the first time since Charity roused from her slumber. 'Why aren't you goin' to kick me out of bed? Why do we keep doin' this? No, no. Why do you keep doin' this?'

Charity blinked slowly, clearly taken by surprise by Vanessa's sudden outburst before her lips slowly curled up into a small smirk. 'That's a lotta' why's sweetheart.'

A small growl echoed from the back of Vanessa's throat, her lips pulled into a thin line as she folded her arms petulantly across her chest. 'Just answer the bloody question, Charity!'

'Well babe, I can't say ya' the worst lay I've ever had.'

'Ya' not too bad with your tongue.' She added almost as an afterthought, her eyes sparkling as she winked across at Vanessa, clearly enjoying the worked up state that Vanessa was getting herself got in.

Vanessa took a slow deep breath to calm herself down, resisting the urge to curse Charity out until she went blue in the face.

'Look, it's just a bit of fun 'init? You get to do your bit of experimenting or whatever it is ya' doin' and I get to sleep in a warm bed for a change.' Charity muttered with an exaggerated roll of her eyes, shrugging her shoulders nonchalantly.

Vanessa turned to look at Charity again but something had changed in her eyes, the way she was looking at her. Disappointment, resignation and a slight tinge of hurt?

This time it was Charity who had a creased look in her forehead, a look of confusion and wonder taking place on her face.

'Right.' Vanessa said resolutely, nodding her head but it seemed like it was more for herself than it was for Charity.

'Yep, that's all I needed to know.' Her throat was still tight and her words shook slightly as she held back the emotion. Her chest suddenly feeling tight and pained, a feeling she hadn't felt in a very long time. What the fuck was even wrong with her? She should have expected this kind of reaction from Charity, she was the stupid fool for having any sodden hope for anything different in the first place. She knew this was just a game to her. A little bit of fun regardless of how Vanessa felt. Not that she even knew what Vanessa was feeling in the first place.

With one last resolute nod, she pulled herself away and slipped herself out from under the covers. She let out a small gasp as the sudden cold air reached her bare skin and she began to pick up her clothes that were scattered haphazardly across the floor, pulling on her knickers first and then her socks. Charity looked on in bewilderment, had she woken up in some kind of fuckin' alternative universe? What the hell was 'Ness on this morning?

She shook her head before she sat herself up, propping her pillows up and leaning back against the headboard as she pulled the covers up to tuck under her chin. She could see Vanessa shivering as she stumbled around her bedroom only half-dressed.

'What is this all about, 'Ness?' She asked calmly, no sarcasm.

'Nothin', nothin'. Doesn't matter.' She grumbled, passive-aggressively.

Charity rolled her eyes and huffed out a sigh before she peeled the covers back and pulled herself out of bed, bending down to the floor to pick up a loose fitting t-shirt and slipping it on over her head, the hem of it just barely covered her arse but it was just about all she could be bothered with at this moment in time. She walked around the bed until she came to stop in front of Vanessa. She reached her hands out, gripping on to Ness' shoulders to stop her frantic bumbling.

''Ness, c'mon.'

She whispered her name, her eyes boring deeply into the vet's own eyes. Her hand was slow and gentle as it trailed up to cup the side of her neck, holding her face in place.

'What is this all about, huh? You're the one that keeps runnin' off the morning after remember? You're the one who's runnin' away from who you are and what you truly want.'

The words were cutting but her voice came out as soft and patient.

Vanessa sighed heavily. She couldn't really argue with any of that because that was what she had been doing. All the way up to this morning. But she was no longer running away from herself and her sexuality like Charity assumed she was, she was running away from the possibility of them properly being together. As a couple. Because it's something that she found she suddenly really wanted but something that was completely implausible. But at the same time she didn't want to let on to Charity about any of her true feelings, she had already been the laughing stock of the village once, she didn't need to give Charity any more ammunition.

She bit down on the gum of the inside of her lip, wondering why she just hadn't ran this morning. Like she usually did. Why had she decided to stay and get herself in this mess.

'Look, I— I just can't keep doin' this with you, and I know I keep saying that but I mean it this time. I can't just continue to be a pawn piece in this game you call life. I deserve better than that. Even if **you** think I don't.'

Vanessa finished off staring defiantly into Charity's eyes, jutting her chin out in quiet concealed confidence, only her eyes betraying her as they swam in unshed emotion.

A look of surprise then sudden realisation flitted across Charity's face for a moment and then it was gone, mask slipping back in to place.

She shook her head, biting down on her lower lip for a moment in thought before looking back up at Vanessa.

'You're an idiot.' She said with a scoff.

Vanessa spun herself around to look back at Charity, glaring daggers in her direction.

'Fuck you.' She muttered, darkly. But she wasn't wrong. She was an idiot.

For ever thinking Charity could process emotions like a normal person.

Vanessa didn't know what she was thinking. This was stupid. Damn right bloody ridiculous. Why was she even feeling this way in the first place? She was acting like she was bloody in love with her or something. It was just a crush. That was all. A bit of sex out of convenience. There was nothing more to it.

At least that was what she was trying to convince herself. The fluttering in her tummy and the way her heart raced every time Charity looked over at her with _**those eyes**_ across the bar were telling her something else entirely.

Charity huffed and rolled her eyes. _Always the dramatic ones._

'Look 'Ness. I don't know what's brought this on but—'

Vanessa cut her off beginning to pace up and down, clearly getting herself more worked up as her mind went over and over things in her head.

'I just don't know what you're gettin' out of this! To mess with Frank again? For a body to keep your bed warm? For attention and gossip? I just don't know! It feels like I get so many mixed signals from you and I— I just can't continue this knowing you don't really care about me or my feelings. You could replace me at any moment and I— that's just not how I operate!' She knew she must sound pathetic right now, she was half expecting Charity to laugh right in her face but the laughter never came.

Vanessa finally stopped pacing up and down, out of breath and red in the face. If Charity didn't know any better she would think Vanessa was working herself into a panic attack. She settled herself at the end of the bed, turning to face Charity, her eyes darting all over her face almost as if she was afraid to leave them resting in one spot for a moment too long. She put her hands on her hips and swore under her breath. This was such a mess. She knew sleeping with Charity again would be a bad idea, Hell it never should have happened the first time! She needed to show some kind of self-restraint.

Charity watched Vanessa work herself up at first with a little bit of amusement, eyes sparkling and lips twitching but that amusement didn't last very long when she realised Vanessa was really getting herself stressed over this. All over assumptions and accusations. She opened her mouth to interject a couple of times before thinking it would probably be a better idea to wait for Vanessa to finish first.

She sighed and walked the few steps that put her in front of Vanessa again.

She placed her hands solidly on her shoulders and turned her so they were looking directly eye-to-eye. 'I don't know what you've been thinkin' in that crazy little insane brain of yours but you've got it all wrong, sweetheart.'

She moved a hand up to cup her sharp jaw in the palm of her hand as she stepped a little closer, their bodies almost pressing together now as her eyes bored into Vanessa's beautiful greeny-blue eyes that were desperately trying to hold back the tears that had been threatening to spill ever since she'd left the bed.

'This isn't about Frank. This was **never** about Frank.'

Her voice was barely above a whisper but spoke so uncharacteristically sincerely that a breath hitched in Vanessa's throat, Charity had all of her attention now. She roughly swallowed around the thick lump that had formed in her throat. Her eyes fluttered closed for a second as she felt the pad of Charity's thumb ghosting over her cheek bone.

Vanessa opened her mouth to say something but suddenly found herself speechless, breath hitching in the back of her throat. The room was so still that they would be able to hear a pin drop.

'Look 'Ness, I know I outed ya' in front of the whole pub and that was wrong. I know that was wrong and I— I'm sorry.' Charity looked at her sincerely, she knew she had fucked up but what could she say? She had poor impulse control.

Charity let her hand drop from Vanessa's cheek as she took a step back and Vanessa immediately missed the warmth of having the palm of her hand pressed there. Charity looked away for a moment as she took a deep breath. It was rare that she would make herself appear this vulnerable in front of somebody else, especially someone who wasn't a Dingle.

'I just— seeing you with him. Daz.' She scoffed at just saying his name, turning her nose up in disgust. 'It drove me crazy and I— well, you know. I tend to say and do things without thinkin' about 'em first.' Her lips turned up in a sad smile before she looked away again, a sigh falling from her lips. She couldn't explain what she felt that day. The anger, the bitterness, the jealousy. It was ugly, and she should have controlled herself better. Listened to Paddy. Now that would be a first. But she didn't, couldn't. She wasn't thinking straight and before she knew it, she found herself marching over to their table. Charity rarely apologised, even more rarely apologised and **meant** it. But she knew outing someone, especially when they weren't ready was a complete dick move.

She shrugged half-heartedly and took another step back with a small humourless laugh. Her eyes had been fixed on the floor pretty much the entire time but she slowly raised her head to look back up at Vanessa, unsure at what kind of reaction she was going to get.

Vanessa just stared back at her for a few moments, her expression blank as she tried to process what Charity was saying to her. A flutter of hope filled her chest but she tried to aggressively tamp it down.

'You completely humiliated me, Charity.' The hurt in her voice was unmistakable and it pained Charity to hear it and know that she caused it. Vanessa shook her head and sighed sadly.

She didn't want to dwell on the past, on what had already happened.

'I know.' Charity replied and there was something about the tone of her voice that made her sound hopelessly sad.

Vanessa shot her a look with a questioning eyebrow but Charity just ignored it, instead deciding on fiddling with the hem of her t-shirt.

'I just need to know that I'm not being used here. I'm never been too good with the casual sex thing.' Vanessa admitted with a wry smile. She brought herself closer to Charity again, her voice soft and imploring. All her anger from before was gone as she tried to make and maintain eye contact with Charity.

'Ya' not. I mean maybe ya' were a little at first. Ya' were a good shag and ya' seemed keen and I hadn't had any decent sex in a while but—' Charity rolled her eyes not believing she was even saying this stupid shit. She huffed with annoyance before begrudgingly continuing.

'I kinda like having ya' 'round The Woolpack. Sometimes. Ya' know. Whatever.' She tried to make it sound nonchalant with a shrug as she gazed around the room but she had already given the game away. She **liked** Vanessa. And now Vanessa knew that she liked her. Fuckin' hell.

Vanessa's responding smile was beaming, as bright as a thousand suns and it made Charity want to punch something really hard but also kiss her stupid mouth until she couldn't remember her name.

'Chas is okay to open up right?' Vanessa smirked as she whispered the words against Charity's mouth, hands on her shoulders steering her back towards the bed. She gave her shoulders a gentle shove so she landed on her her back on the crumpled up duvet cover. Following her down, she crawled until she was straddling her waist and peppering kisses along her sharp jawline, smiling smugly at the pleased sounds leaving Charity's throat. Charity circled her arms around Vanessa's back and pulled her closer, slipping a leg in between her thighs and pressing upwards until she heard a guttural groan leaving Vanessa's throat, her hot breath ghosting over her left ear. Now this was more like it.

Ten minutes later Chas passed Charity's room on her way to get in the shower and heard the now familiar moans and whimpers coming from behind the door. She rolled her eyes and groaned inwardly. ' _ **Not again.**_ ' This was almost as bad as when Aaron and Robert were living at home. She slammed the door to the bathroom extra loud just to make a point.


End file.
